Anger Management

Rev. Canon John N. Karanja

Licensed Clinical Pastoral Counselor

What is anger? Anger in itself is not dysfunctional, but it is an emotion which, like anxiety, affects many systems emotionally, cognitively and physiologically. It is typically activated when a person believes he or she has been deliberately provoked. In terms of survival, anger can be looked at as a necessary driving force when “fight” as opposed to “flight” is required. Cognitively, research has shown that when angry, people show changes in their thinking and typically they become single minded, focusing exclusively on what they believe is provoking them. Mostly anger in people is isolated to situations in which it is justified, sometime become angry when they have been cheated, abused, or taken for granted and so forth. My advice is that, everyone should understand that; Anger is only one letter less “Danger” and it is the most difficult emotions to control. Anger has a sudden onset and it escalates so quickly and when it exceeds its natural design of protection, it becomes dangerous.

 The key to effectively controlling anger is to slow things down and once you have learned to recognize early arousal signs and how to step back and evaluate the situation thoroughly, anger will lose a great deal of its power. Anger is one of the most common and destructive delusions, and it afflicts our mind almost every day. People experience anger in many different ways and for many different reasons. What makes you angry may only mildly irritate one of your colleagues, and have little or no effect to others. At some point, people gets angry over something very minor like leaving the cap off of the toothpaste or something on a larger scale like disrespecting you in front of other people, or something much worse. But the worst thing in anger is that, when you are angry with your spouse, he or she appears to you as unattractive or unpleasant. You then exaggerate his bad qualities by focusing only on those aspects that irritate you, ignoring all other good qualities and kindnesses of your spouse until you have built up a mental image of an intrinsically faulty person. And finally you start wishing to harm him or her in some ways like physical abuse and probably by criticizing or disparaging him or her.

No human being that is unsusceptible to anger whether a Christians or non-Christians. Every person experiences anger in one-way or the other but very few handle it in a Christ-centered way or know how to help others biblically. We need something better than our own moral efforts and resolutions if we really want to get rid our hearts from the deep-rooted anger. The long lasting peace and solution to life’s problems can only be found by turning to God. There are many Bible verses that deal specifically with anger and its implications and therefore you need to pray for strength and self-control to enjoy a life of contentment and joy. You also need to pray to God to remove the darkness of anger that is controlling you.

Uncontrolled anger has long-term emotional and physical effects on our body, because it causes injury and increase adrenalin surges, high blood pressure, and increased heart rate; possibly producing stroke, and heart attacks. It can seriously harm your personal and professional life, because it can become incredibly destructive to yourself and the people around you especially in a modern workplace that often demands trust and collaboration, it can cause great damage to working relationships. Anger has emotional effects such as creating intense guilt, feelings of failure, depression, constant agitation, violent rage, and possibly suicide. Anger is a very strong emotion and without a divine intervention, it is not easy to overcome it. It requires honesty, courage, determination commitment and tremendous inner strength.

To solve the problem of anger we need first to recognize the anger within our mind, and then acknowledge how it harms both ourselves and others. We need to appreciate the benefits of being patient in the face of difficulties. From there we can apply practical methods in our daily life to reduce our anger and finally prevent it from arising again. People may get angry from anywhere, but in marriage, the potential for anger is greater than in any other relationships just by the nature of being in such close proximity to someone so often. Your husband or wife will eventually do something that gets on your nerves quickly and provoke your anger. It would be therefore very important for the couples to speak out their thoughts on the subject before it gets out of control.

Looking on biblical perspective, anger leads to resentment and bitterness, The LORD looked with favor on Abel and his offering, 5 but on Cain and his offering he did not look with favor. So Cain was very angry, and his face was downcast. Genesis 4:4 NIV Let us therefore look about the anger as a reality and look for some underlying motivations and beliefs of the heart that drive angry behaviors biblically, in order to uproot these heart problems. Since marriage is a covenant and not a contract where people would terminate their marriage after the contract, we need to learn how to handle anger and get the fruit of thorough and lasting solution.

 Dealing With Anger Biblically.

 We feel angry in many different types of events and situations, and it takes an alarming proportion of our mental health but God gives us a way of managing anger. If you observe the case of Cain, God gave him a good chance to manage his anger but Cain ignored; “Then the LORD said to Cain, "Why are you angry? Why is your face downcast? 7 If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must master it.” Genesis 4:6-7 . Due to his anger, he killed his brother Abel. Anger is only one letter less of Danger and if allowed to control our lives, it can spell a severe disaster. Anger in itself is not a sin, but what you do when you are angry and how you respond to your anger can potentially be classified as sin and therefore; “Be ye angry, and sin not: Ephesians 4:26 . Generally, people deal with their anger in two different ways.

1. One group of people internalize their feelings of anger and pretend that nothing is wrong while pushing any anger that comes out and turn it back inside. While trying to avoid dealing with it, unforgiveness and bitterness take root and gradually poisoning their marriage. Turning the anger inward does not deal with it but instead you allowed it to build up over time and eventually it results in a blowup or slowly kills your marriage relationship.
2. Another group of people externalize their anger and turn it outward towards their spouses, kids, or anyone else who gets in their line of fire. They let their feelings lead them to hurt others, either verbally or physically. Many of these people profess that they just couldn’t control themselves. These are the people who are controlled by their emotions, instead of being in control of their emotions. It is very unfortunate that, these people will continue to physically or verbally abuse their spouses or kids as long as they can get away with it but we should never let our feelings of anger cause us to get out of control.

In order to deal with your anger Biblically; “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. 32 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” Ephesians 4:31-32 NIV

1. In order to get rid of your anger, you must admit to yourself and God that you are angry and you should not deny because when you get it out in the open, you’ll be able to deal with it.
2. Never yield to your feelings and if you think you may say or do something that you’ll regret you better walk away from the situation until you have control over your emotions. Take a deep breath and count one to ten to bring your physical reactions to anger under control. You must realize that YOU are totally responsible for your own actions.
3. Whether the wrong committed against you was real or perceived, intentional or accidental, bring the offense to God and forgive your offender. Forgiveness is not a benefit for the other person, but it is for your own benefit because when you get into the habit of actually forgiving your offenders, your anger will never lead you into sin. Most researchers presented findings showing that those who forgive their offenders had lower rates of anxiety and depression, and they are able to reduce high blood pressure and have fewer heart problems.

Never give the devil a foothold by dwelling on the offenses but when you have forgiven your husband or wife, or any other offender, you should quit replaying the situation over in your mind. Otherwise, not only will you cause those angry feelings to come back, but you will give the devil the opportunity to add fuel to the fire by telling you how evil your offenders are. This will only serve to send you back to square one, negating any progress you have made.

The guiding principles when dealing with anger should be Ephesians 4:26-27 NIV “In your anger do not sin” Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, 27 and do not give the devil a foothold.” This is a Challenge to learn ways to deal with your madness constructively. It is important to learn about yourself and the person you are upset with rather than blowing up. Do many creative things with your anger rather than hurting others or yourself. Take up the Anger Challenge and feel better about yourself and be happier in your relationships and make choices to let go of those ugly madness and angriness.

If you have ever let your anger lead you into sin in the past, ask God to forgive you and let it go. You cannot control what you have done in the past, but you can control what you do now and in the future. Start preparing now for the next time you get angry, because the time will come again when you’ll need to deal with it. Ask the Holy Spirit to help you control yourself and diffuse the anger without sinning and remember the Bible assured the believer that; “Nothing is impossible with God.” Luke 1:37

Note Before:

This article is meant for guiding you on how to manage your anger only but not for intensive treatment or therapy. If you need any kind of treatment, you should consult your medical doctor, counselor or therapist for intensive treatment. God bless you.